I'll be honest: This week wasn't great. ----------------------------------
Monday started out rough. Getting out of bed felt impossible. So... I kind of just... didn't. Yeah. I pretty much spent the entire day in bed watching Netflix. Bailed on a department meeting. Clearly, I was in need of a mental health day. So I took one. Guilt-free. I informed my mentor and fortunately, they were really great about it.
Being kind to myself was helpful, because Tuesday was a better day, and each day following was even better. In the moment, it's hard to remember, but for me personally, there is no universe in which being mean or judgmental to myself solves a problem better than kindness and compassion. This week, the proof is in the pudding.
I have a lot going on this semester. I'm doing a lot of mentoring. It is fun and rewarding. It makes me feel like a PI in training. It is also incredibly draining. I find myself feeling pulled in all directions and consequently wanting to be left alone. There are no negative feelings towards my mentees at all, just a general sense of, "I don't know how much more I have left to give."
So, I guess some boundary-setting is in order :)
In other news: data collection is starting for a project I'm co-leading. We were funded in 2019--or was it 2018? In any case, prepping took a long time. Then of course COVID happened. But then we were faced with a "now or never" opportunity and so we scrambled to get things ready. Why things weren't ready in the 2+ years prior to this moment is lost on me. I tried. But as it turns out, collaborating is hard. Especially when you and your collaborators have different work styles. Oh. Also we're in three different countries. Data collection? That's happening in Colombia. I'm in the US. So... yeah. A bit of logistical drama to top it all off.
In any case, with data collection finally launching I feel like I'm perpetually "on call". Like, I have to be ready to troubleshoot or double check data uploads at the drop of a hat. It's kind of frustrating and stressful. But also kind of great to finally be at this stage. I can't even think about the part where we have to synthesize, clean, and analyze the data, though... I have been doing this kind of work for years and yet it still feels so terrible and challenging. What is wrong with me? lol
On top of data collection and mentoring, I have two papers I desperately need to get submitted, a presentation next week, and of course I need to start my NSF project eventually. And my NSF project is huge. Like a whole new literature and whole new method. I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!
I bet a lot of you are feeling the same way in the semester, aren't you? If you have any tips on "just getting shit done," I'm all ears. I think I'm so overwhelmed by what needs to be done that I'm sort of freezing under pressure. Like, anxiety triggers the "fight or flight" response. So in the face of anxiety, some people "fight" by diving head first into their work. Me? My response is "flight". In the face of anxiety, I avoid, avoid, avoid... It's not my favorite thing about myself.
Humans like to feel in control. When things get busy and overwhelming, I think it's easy to feel like we don't have any. Couple that with anxiety, and even our own productivity feels like it's out of our hands. I'd love to sit down one afternoon and crank out an entire introduction section. But it never happens. Perfectionism, brain fog, writer's block, they all come to the forefront. Everything feels like it needs to happen now but that is obviously impossible. And that sense of urgency creates more problems than solutions. The sooner I come to terms with that, the better off I'll be.
So my goal for the coming week is to take things one step at a time. To write out my priorities and block out time in my schedule for those priorities according to their importance. Patience, perseverance, and consistency. Those are my key words for the week.
How was your week and what are your key goals or words for the week to come? Whatever they are, I'm rooting for you.
Have a great weekend, my friends.
Comments