I woke up really early this morning and couldn't fall back asleep. Reluctantly, I resolved to get my day started. I walked down the stairs and turned on the little light in our living room. Two Edison bulbs giving off a warm glow. Every time I use this light I'm reminded of the late nights I spent in my living room working on my NSF application. So I thought today should be the day I finally tell you about the time I wrote an NSF application in 21 days.
It was Fall 2020. We were well into the pandemic. Full lockdown. Remote work. Social distancing. And yet there was no time to slow down. I needed a job next year.
My T32 postdoc fellowship would end in Summer 2021. I had already extended it to a third year. I had to move on. I was going to have to embark on my first dive into the academic job market during one of the worst possible years to be on the academic job market. Cool.
The job options were sparse. I was already geographically limiting my search. But now, most universities were on hiring freezes as they navigated the financial uncertainty brought on by the pandemic. I applied to seven academic positions in total. Out of desperation, I had also applied to temporary, non-tenure track academic positions, a couple positions at research institutes, and, most reluctantly, two postdoc positions. I had no fall-back plan. No guaranteed funding just in case my job prospects fell through.
What else? What else?
I looked into fellowships. I had been talked out of applying for a K99/R00 more than once. That opportunity had passed. And no, I didn't feel good about it. I looked into other opportunities with different organizations.
This. I'm going to focus on this.
The deadline was November 2, 2020. It was October, 2020. Could I do it? I opened Google on my phone:
"How long to write an NSF postdoc fellowship"
I think I found one post. I don't even remember what it said. I just remember being convinced that if I worked really hard, I'd be able to get this fellowship application done. I decided not to tell the mentor who discouraged me from applying for the K99/R00. There was no time for nay-sayers. No time for reason. I had to do this because I had to secure my future--at least for the next couple years.
The most important part of the process for me was having a research idea. I had come up with an exciting grant idea over the summer and I decided I was going to run with it for my NSF fellowship. There was no time to plan the logistics of data collection. I was going to use secondary data from a highly esteemed study: The Adolescent Brain and Cognitive Development (ABCD) Study.
I reached out to my primary T32 mentor and asked if they'd be willing to sign on as my mentor for this fellowship. They agreed, but I needed someone else. Was I really going to convince NSF to fund me for my fourth and fifth years of postdoc at the same institution I'd been at for the past three years with the same mentor?
I contacted another faculty member in my department who had expertise that was both relevant to the topic of my NSF project and unique from what my current mentor would bring to the table. This person was also a junior faculty member. Maybe NSF would like that. Maybe mentoring an NSF fellow would look good in this faculty member's tenure package. I hoped so. Because I was asking them to decide on a 2-year mentoring commitment that was due in 2 weeks.
Fortunately, that faculty member agreed to work with me. I couldn't have done this without their endorsement. For that and many other things, I am most grateful. Thank you.
Game on.
There were multiple parts to the fellowship application:
First, the project description. Here, I had to give an overview of my research plan, some background on the big-picture issue I'm addressing with my research, a literature review, the research aims and hypotheses, research method and design, statements describing the intellectual merit and broader impacts of the proposed research, and my training plan. The entire document was 12 pages single spaced.
Next, was a project summary. A 1 page, single-spaced document that was basically an abstract of the project description.
Following, a three-page, single-spaced document outlining my mentoring plan. This is where I tried to convince NSF that my proposed mentors were the absolute best people to mentor me in both research and professional development, and that my chosen university was the absolute best place to successfully carry out my research.
Don't worry. There was also a training plan. A seven-page, single-spaced document outlining why the NSF fellowship was essential to my success as a scholar. This is the document where I had to convince NSF that I definitely needed two more years of postdoc after having already completed three :) I also wrote additional justifications for my chosen mentors and host institution. I outlined specific training goals that the fellowship would help me achieve, such as improving my skills in fMRI data analysis and preparing for a tenure-track position.
There were also a bunch of other documents I had to write, like a budget justification, a description of how I was going to store and manage my data, bio-sketches, a description of the resources available to me at UNC, etc. The list was never-ending.
I want to take a moment here to acknowledge the people who shared their successful NSF materials with me. I literally could not have done this without them. In applications like this, it's not just about having a good idea. It's about strategically presenting the information in a way that is both compelling and convincing. I could not have done that without the help and samples these people so graciously provided. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The three weeks I spent writing my application were brutal. I was at my desk all the time. At all hours. I barely went outside. I barely made it to any workouts. It was only three weeks but it felt like an eternity. Probably because I was also in the middle of navigating the academic job market. Yes. In addition to writing a full-on fellowship application, I was also writing my job market materials for the first time. Preparing for screener interviews. And also just generally trying to be a present and contributing member of my current lab.
I wrote the application in three weeks but they were a terrible three weeks. I did nothing but work. In some ways, I feel proud of myself. I often don't give myself enough credit for my work ethic. I am the kind of person who doesn't work on nights or weekends. I take lots of breaks. This creates a lot of guilt. But this application process showed me that when it's time to buckle down, I am ready and able.
As the deadline of my application drew nearer, my nights became longer. I have a clear memory of sitting at my dining room table the night before my application was due. That single warm light with the Edison bulbs on overhead. My dog Jade was curled up on the couch in front of me, offering solidarity as she snoozed peacefully. By 2 or 3AM I was losing the battle to exhaustion. I made myself a coffee. Grabbed a snack. Almost done.
Night turned to morning. I heard my husband waking up and getting ready. I had to keep working but I also needed sleep. I got on the couch, threw a blanket over my head, and set the alarm for 1 hour. My dog jumped on me and whined. She wanted her breakfast and morning walk. Having no brain power left, I yelled. "Get off of me! I'm exhausted and I need to sleep!" Poor girl. It's not like she could understand what the hell was going on. All she knew was that it was morning and in the mornings she gets kibbles and a walk. Alarmed by my emotional outburst, my husband took care of the dog and let me sleep.
When the alarm went off, I dutifully got off the couch, washed my face, brushed my teeth, changed clothes, and got ready to do more work.
I think it was a Monday. I had multiple hours of training meetings for my T32 fellowship. I should have just taken the day off, but for whatever reason I told myself I didn't deserve to. So I sat through hours of meetings, anxious, and definitely not paying attention. I worked on my application while other people talked. Clock was ticking. This application was due at 5PM.
By 3PM, I knew I wasn't going to finish my application in time. I ran upstairs to my husband, sobbing. Should I throw in the towel? What else can I do? I can't submit an incomplete application. He told me to keep going. I had already gotten this far. I gathered myself and returned to my desk. It took me seven more hours to complete my application. The "meat and potatoes" were done. I had written the project description; gotten my mentors' feedback and approval. All this time was spent on the other logistical crap. The data management document. Organizing the biosketches. Filling out forms I'd never seen before, not knowing what information was actually being asked of me. I thought I'd be done at 5PM and have my first evening of freedom. I was wrong. I worked well into the night; hours past the deadline. I didn't know if my application would even be considered at this point. But it didn't matter. I worked really hard and I owed it to myself to try.
By 10 or 11pM I finally submitted the application. It was out of my hands now.
Months passed. December. January. February. March. April.
None of my job prospects had worked out. I had two screener interviews that went nowhere. One final-stage interview that ultimately resulted in rejection (I was so close!). Another alt-ac interview that resulted in a rejection. I was starting to sweat.
Then, on May 26, 2021 I received an email with the heading: NSF SPRF Status.
Dear Natasha Duell, Congratulations! As the SPRF Program Director I plan to recommend your SBE Postdoctoral Research Fellowship (SPRF) proposal for award.
My heart stopped. Was this for real? Was this happening? Did I actually pull this off?
The answer was yes. Yes, it was for real. Yes, it was happening. Yes, I pulled this off. The long hours, missed workouts, dinners at the computer, and constant stress had all led me here, to this award. They had paid off and I was about to cash-in.
I thought about all the discouragement I had received over the past couple years, primarily from myself, and a little bit from toxic people who are no longer in my life. I thought about how wrong I was to doubt myself and how wrong those people were to doubt me. I thought about how proud I was of myself for doing this.
This NSF fellowship was an act of self-love. I know that's corny but hear me out. I was at the end of my T32 fellowship. I needed a job. No one was going to do that for me. No one was going to hand me a job. I had to find one for myself, against all odds (and in 2020 let me tell you, the odds were against anyone on the job market). It felt impossible but I persevered. I set aside my doubts and did the hard work. And I did it for me. I did it because I had to look out for myself. And I did. Successfully. I had secured another two years of funding. And I had proved to myself, once again, that I can do hard things; that I deserve to take up space in this competitive, impossible, academic landscape. I'm here and I'm not moving.
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