I've been trying to write this post for a week now...
Recently, I had an on-campus interview for a tenure-track, assistant professor position. It's my third final stage interview for this kind of position, but my first time doing it in-person.
I applied to about 12 positions this year. This is not a lot. Many people I know have applied to anywhere from 30-60 positions! They are superhuman. I do not know how they did it. Honestly, the 12 I applications I submitted were exhausting enough. My small list of applications is because I tried to be strategic in my search. For one, I focused on positions that felt like a really good fit. My advice? If it takes you multiple days to figure out how to edit your research statement so that it fits the position, it's not the position for you. Additionally-- and this was the biggest limiting factor-- I only applied to universities in places I was willing to live. This limited me to about 5 states lol.
Over the past few years, I've had to reflect on what I really want from my career. When I was in graduate school, being an academic was my entire identity. I thought that's what I was supposed to do. Over time, I realized that making my job my personality did not align with my values. Being an academic, I realized, could simply be a job. I realized that I get to choose how much time and energy I invest in my work. And I realized that I do not have to drop everything to take advantage of "incredible" opportunities or to move somewhere I won't be happy just because there's a job opening. This is not everyone's mindset. And that is totally okay. What's most important is that you know where you stand.
Don't get me wrong. I am very passionate about my work. I feel grateful to be in an industry (yes, academia is an industry) where I get to choose what I study and how. My research is personally meaningful. I get to teach and mentor budding scientists (or consumers of science). And I have the opportunity to get paid to do all that. I see this as a privilege.
Nevertheless, I have boundaries. I know what they are. And I understand there may be consequences to having these boundaries (like only having 12 feasible job options). I am willing to accept those consequences in the interest of my happiness and well-being. So if I applied to a position, I applied because I genuinely wanted it.
Prep for this interview was hard. I had to prepare a research presentation and a teaching demonstration. I noticed myself engaging in a lot of avoidance behaviors. I put off preparing my talks until only a couple weeks prior to the interview. Of course, I already had materials ready from the past two job cycles, but I wanted to tailor my talks to this specific position. I didn't want to take short cuts. I wanted, as many of us academics do, perfection. And I wanted perfection because I wanted the job.
So why was I avoiding preparing for this interview. Well, the stakes were high. This is my final year on the academic job market. So, there's that. I was also feeling defeated from my past two unsuccessful job cycles and from my low "hit rate" this cycle. I was afraid of putting myself out there, emotionally investing in a position, and getting rejected. Again.
I must also admit that my ego was a culprit. This position was for a university that is not as prestigious as the universities I have trained at, or that I was trained to "end up in" (for lack of a better expression). I admit I felt a little ashamed. I thought, "What will my mentors think? Am I less capable, less respectable, less impressive, less worthy if this is where I end up?" This was a huge hang-up for me. Because in my heart I was genuinely excited about the position, but my years of exposure to toxic elitism had me feeling guilty that (a) I wanted this position and (b) I was a good fit for it.
Fortunately, I have some good people in my corner. I had people who reminded me that I'm great. That I can do it. That there are people to support me. If not for my wonderful lab mates reaching out to me, I literally would have gone to this interview without doing any practice presentations. I was really about to lone wolf my entire prep. Why? Because when I'm anxious, I tell myself I am a burden; that people are too busy and do not care. I try to make myself small and invisible. This is wrong. I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am to the people who encouraged me to schedule practice presentations and who attended and gave me feedback. By the time my interview rolled around, I had put together two great talks and executed them with enthusiasm and confidence because I got the prep and feedback I needed. Let this be a lesson to everyone: Ask for help.
I was also fortunate to have people in my corner who reminded me of the lies that toxic elitism tells. People do incredible research in all corners of the world, in all kinds of environments. What was most important for me was whether I thought I could be happy and successful in this position. Before the interview, that answer was yes. And because it was yes, it was okay for me to get excited! It was okay for me to want it. One week post-interview, that answer is still yes. I liked the people, the environment, the resources, the values. At the end of the day, ranking or prestige don't matter as much as your own personal, daily happiness and well-being. People can think what they want about your career choices, but you have to live with those choices. So don't make your choices for them. This is the advice I gave to myself, and it's the advice I'm giving to you.
My travels the day before my interview were a bit chaotic. The Federal Aviation Administration grounded all flights across the country due to a computer glitch (scary!). My 7:30AM flight was delayed three hours. When I got to my layover, my connecting flight was also delayed. I had about 20 minutes to get off my first plane and get on the connecting one. Unfortunately, I had to traverse multiple gates. So many, in fact, that I had to take a train to even get to the right section of the airport. I arrived at my gate just as the doors shut. I saw my plane, but I was not allowed on. Alas, my only option was to wait six more hours until the next flight out. Gone were my hopes of practicing my presentations in the comfort of my hotel room. I was going to have to edit slides at the airport and practice presenting under my breath. I was so nervous for my presentation, I spent every second of my layover prepping. And then I prepped some more on the plane. I was spent.
On interview day I woke up at 4:45AM. My breakfast meeting wasn't until 8:30, so I took my time getting ready. I grabbed some coffee and snacks from the lobby, put on good music, recited some affirmations to myself, and put together the outfit I bought especially for this interview. It was go time.
[DETAILS OF THE INTERVIEW WILL COME IN A FEW WEEKS!]
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