My third year as a T32 postdoc fellow comes to a close this summer. As of this moment, I still don't know what's next.
To say that research feels futile (i.e., pointless) would be an understatement. Every time I consider starting something I think: what's this for? It's a bit eye-opening, really. It tells me two things:
First, I've clearly been doing research for the sake of boosting my CV and becoming competitive for the "next step" in my career than for any personally meaningful reasons.
Second, my research probably isn't very impactful if I feel like the stakes are low enough that not continuing the work will yield no serious consequences.
Obviously these statements aren't entirely accurate, but I don't think they're completely false, either. It raises the question: why do we do what we do and how much of it is personally fulfilling?
The next question that comes to mind for me is: Does all work have to be personally fulfilling? I don't think so, actually. In some respects, I think it's a privilege to be doing work that's personally meaningful. In many cases, people work just to work and make money. For some people, that's a soul-sucking way to go about life. For others, it's not a big deal. They're perfectly fine showing up, doing the job, and then going home to do what they really care about. And in case it's not clear: that's totally valid!
But I think we'd all be hard-pressed to conclude that a career in academia is just a job. It's a long road that requires a lot of education and a lot of hard work. For many, the pursuit of graduate-level training is motivated by the desire to do something that feels meaningful and important. But then we sort of lose sight of why it matters, don't we? We get stuck in the 'rat race,' as it were. Eventually, we become more motivated to get to the next step than to do important work.
But what happens when the next step is inaccessible?
What happens when we've done all the right things, followed the roadmap precisely, made all the necessary sacrifices, and we still can't make it to the next step?
I'm not going to get into the systems-side of this discussion where we dissect academia and all it's flaws. I'm just here to talk about the personal side. But I will acknowledge that the academic system needs an overhaul. It's also worth acknowledging that academia is not the only industry with this problem.
But I digress.
I find myself in the land of in-between. I'm still employed as a T32 fellow, but I don't know what's next for me. I care about my research and I want to move my projects forward, but I'm also a bit rundown from navigating the horrible pandemic job market. I've done all the right things, followed the roadmap precisely, made all the necessary sacrifices, and still can't seem to get to the next step. So, I hope the world will excuse me for struggling to give a... hoot... about my work. A system that I have given so much to, in terms of time, energy, and uncompensated labor, is failing me. I guess it didn't owe me anything, but I've done my best to be a contributing member of the academic community and it's disappointing that the community (as a whole entity--not specific people) could not do more to support me, to welcome me, to ensure I stick around.
Life's not fair. I get it. And I do firmly believe I'll end up where I belong. I had a narrow view of what I wanted my future to look like and now I'm being challenged to broaden my scope of possibilities. These are tough circumstances to swallow but I'm willing to try.
As I wait in this state of limbo, I'm allowing myself to slow down. I sleep in. I do stuff around the house. I work very few hours. I kind of... do the bare minimum. And after a few weeks of feeling terrible about it, I've decided to give myself grace. This has been a tough year. I put in the long hours and the hard work. And now, I am rewarded with some downtime. There is nothing very pressing going on and I've earned the right to enjoy it.
One of my friends shared a sports analogy with me that was perfectly validating. They said good athletic trainers are strategic about when they push their athletes to perform at max effort because they know this level of effort is not sustainable at all times. So to avoid unnecessary burnout, trainers demand peak performance from their athletes only when it's essential. I like this analogy because it reminds me that rest is a necessary part of success.
So until I find out what's next, you can catch me taking it easy, enjoying the Spring weather, traveling, being with friends, and just generally slowing down.
Lots of love to you all,
Natasha
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