Relationships in Academia: Part 4. Paternships.
DJ and I just celebrated our first wedding anniversary. I thought this was a good opportunity to continue my "Relationships in Academia" installment and finally share photos from our big day (courtesy of Brett Seay)!
DJ and I have a unique story. We actually met in elementary school but reunited 15 years later while I was in graduate school. (Click here to listen to our full story on the 'Ship Talking podcast.)
Finding a partner in graduate school can be challenging. Many of us move somewhere new where we don't know anyone. Research and classes are all-consuming. If we hangout with friends, we're usually scheduling "work dates". How can there possibly be time for dating?
When DJ and I first reunited, I expected nothing but to reconnect with an old elementary school classmate. But we fell for each other instantly and couldn't stop talking after our first meeting at the Baltimore Aquarium. I have salient memories of texting him all through my morning Hierarchical Linear Modeling class while sipping on my coffee and trying to hide my smiles. DJ lived about 2 hours from me, which was a bummer but actually worked out well because it gave me the weekdays to focus on my grad work. We spent almost every weekend together and it completely changed my life. It wasn't until DJ and I started dating that I realized how isolated and lonely I had felt during my first two years in grad school. Before DJ, my weekends were spent reading articles, doing stats homework, getting groceries, and watching Netflix alone in my room. A sad picture, I know. After DJ, my weekends were filled with adventures, good food, laughter, and joy.
Another important way my life changed after dating DJ was the amount of hours I spent working. While we were long-distance, I basically didn't work at all on the weekends. When we moved in together, I stopped working nights, too. DJ never put any pressure on me to stop working. I'm just the kind of person who feels pulled to spend time with people I love. At first it made me feel really anxious. Then I leaned into it. I felt like I was becoming a 'whole' person again. My life no longer centered on just me and my needs. I had more to do than grad work.
DJ and I got engaged the summer after I defended my dissertation. We took a celebratory trip to Ireland and he proposed to me at the edge of the Cliffs of Moher.
Honestly, planning a wedding as a postdoc is probably not any better or worse than planning a wedding at any other time. It's difficult, time-consuming, and stressful. But as a first year postdoc, I didn't have a particularly busy schedule. I truly admire people who plan weddings in grad school. My mentor planned hers at the same time she was writing her dissertation!
Many of us are quite invested in our work. I'm on the lower end of that spectrum but I still get pretty wrapped up in research. In effect, there were lots of wedding details I couldn't get myself to care about. And lots of things that happened last minute because I chose to spend my time on work rather than wedding planning. I can't tell if "not caring" about wedding details is part of my personality or if things would have been different if I had a different career. Either way, the point is that academic life makes it really hard to be present during life's special moments. It's easy for research to feel like the most important thing in your life, but it's not always. So if you're planning a wedding or another really important moment in your life, I encourage you to stay present and carve out protected time to focus on it. Our work is never-ending, but these precious moments in life are fleeting.
The last thing I'll say about partnerships is related to the issue of academics having highly mobile careers. DJ moved to Philadelphia while I was in graduate school and he moved again to North Carolina for my postdoc. We will likely move again for my full-time career (fingers crossed on that tenure-track position lol). It's not uncommon for people to move again even after getting their first tenure-track position, but this is something we're trying to actively avoid. Some people are willing to go anywhere for the right job. I am not one of those people. DJ is fortunate to have a skill that allows him to find a job anywhere, but I feel strongly about not letting my career dictate our lives. That's a personal choice and is not meant to place any judgment on couples who make different choices. It's a difficult situation no matter what. So difficult that many relationships end because of it. The answer here is to do what's best for you and your partner. Sometimes, compromises have to be made. I think many of us have been socialized to put our careers first but that doesn't align with everyone's values. I'm fortune that DJ has been so flexible and it's something I don't want to take for granted. For that reason, I'm actively checking in with myself about what aspects of my career I can compromise on and what aspects I absolutely cannot so that we can make decisions that make us both happy.
Partnerships can be really challenging in academia. Like most fields, they demand selfishness. My partnership has reminded me that the universe does not, in fact, revolve around me. My partnership has also shown me how much better my life is with someone like DJ in it.
Thanks as always for following along. Sending lots of love to you all.
Yorumlar