This is my final year of postdoc. And I have some thoughts.
How do I know it's my final year of postdoc? Because I say so.
Here's a quick recap of my academic journey:
2008-2011: Undergraduate at UC Irvine
2011-2013: Continue volunteering as a research assistant at UC Irvine; eventually move home and land a part-time tutoring gig while studying for the GRE and applying to grad school
2013-2018: Graduate school at Temple University
2018-2021: T32 postdoctoral fellowship at UNC-Chapel Hill
2021-2023: NSF postdoctoral fellowship at UNC-Chapel Hill
Wow. A decade of PhD life.
I'm currently funded by the National Science Foundation as a postdoc. I'm super grateful for the fellowship because it afforded me the extra time I definitely needed to continue searching for jobs. The fellowship expires in July 2023 and after five years of postdoc, believe me when I say I am done. I'm ready to move on; spread my wings--hopefully as an assistant professor. But if not, then spread my wings and fly in a different direction.
Postdoc has been an interesting time. I went into it thinking I had myself figured out. But I was wrong. I still had a lot of learning to do: Learning about myself, including what I want out of my career, and learning about how to navigate a successful career as an academic. Throughout postdoc, I learned the importance of good mentorship. I noticed which mentors made me feel motivated and confident and which mentors made me feel unmotivated and full of self-doubt. I also learned that I had several bad habits to un-learn from graduate school, such as trying to "lone wolf" every single one of my projects. I also had to learn that becoming an assistant professor at a competitive R1 institution is not the only way to succeed in this field.
Over the past five years, I have come to terms with the psychological toll that grad school had on me. Maybe the hardest part for me is looking back with "20/20 vision" and realizing that so many of my struggles were preventable had I just been equipped with the knowledge and tools necessary to navigate such a new and stressful experience. I want better for our grad students. And honestly, offering a safe, nurturing, and inspiring learning environment for future grad students is a key driving force in my ambition to pursue a career in academia.
Over the past five years, I have also realized that postdoc is nothing like being an assistant professor or PI of a research lab. Postdoc is generally thought to be this "cushy" job where you have an abundance of time to do research and publish papers without having to dedicate any time to teaching, mentoring, or service (unless you choose to). This is obviously not representative of everyone's postdoc experience, but I still think that being a postdoc is fundamentally different from being a faculty member. And probably the most comforting thing I've been told is that struggling during postdoc does not mean you will struggle as a faculty member. Being a faculty member and PI of a research lab means being a small business owner, a non-profit organization, a leader and manager, an instructor, a mentor; it means doing research as well as teaching and service. Why don't graduate and postdoctoral training programs offer more opportunities to hone these other skills?
I have been on the academic job market for three cycles now. The first round was during the pandemic. I think I applied to 6 jobs. I was runner-up for a faculty position at a fantastic R1. Unfortunately, the department's first choice accepted the position and I was out of the running (I am comforted only by the fact that I knew the first choice candidate personally and they are a great person and scholar).
The second round on the job market, I actually got an offer. But after very careful consideration, I realized the position wasn't right for me. I would have had no collaborators in my department and no graduate students to mentor. During my virtual job talk, there were maybe 8 audience members. The offer was also rather low and the department had no funds allocated to flying me out to see the campus before I made my choice. I felt wanted but not valued. My gut told me it wasn't right, so I took a chance and turned down the offer.
This year, I am yet again applying for tenure track positions and am more burnt out than ever. No one really talks about the psychological impact of being on the job market. It's hard to be motivated when you don't know what's next. Like, will my current projects even matter 6 months from now? It's also really hard not to feel bad about yourself when you are writing statements that force you to reflect on everything you have--and have not--accomplished throughout your career. And your feelings of self-doubt are only strengthened by the seemingly endless string of rejections. You can't help but think, "Huh. I really haven't done enough."
Sigh. Well, here we are. I sit here anxious about what the future holds. But also, somehow, not afraid. I'm going to figure it out. Whatever happens, I will be okay. My identity and self-worth are no longer tied to my role as an academic. Detaching those has given me a lot of freedom. I appreciate those of you who care enough to follow along, who tolerate the cringey posts on Instagram and TikTok, and the inconsistent posts on this website. I know nobody is at the edge of their seats waiting for my content but I appreciate having this outlet for myself and I hope that my words and experiences offer you some validation, if nothing else.
I appreciate you!
Natasha
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