Hi. Wow. It's been a while since I've posted on this site. It's been a busy and challenging year--for everyone.
I want to re-introduce myself; tell you a little about what's going on with me. Then, I hope, I'll start posting again regularly.
My name is Natasha. I earned my PhD in psychology from Temple University in 2018. It was during my final year of graduate school that I decided to create this website. Back then, 'Academic Instagram' wasn't anything close to what it is now. I created this space to connect with other grad students; to share my experiences in hopes that they would resonate with others. There are lots of wonderful things about my experience in graduate school. At the same time, the experience was overwhelming and quite frankly, lonely. So began Woman Meets Academia, which is what you now know as PhD and Me.
I'm now a T32 postdoc fellow. This is my third (third!!) year as a fellow at UNC. It's funny because I thought I would have things all figured out after graduate school. As it turns out, postdoc comes with its own abundance of challenges, including Where do I stand with the university? Is someone going to teach me this new method or do I have to teach myself? If I'm learning, how do I make time for publishing? Who am I as a scientist? What's next for me? Am I enough? Do I have anything meaningful to contribute?
After two years of ups (there were definitely ups!) and downs, I finally started to settle into myself as an academic. I realized that, regardless of what my mentors say or what I think I "need" to be doing to be successful, at the end of the day, I am in charge of my career. I get to choose how to navigate it. And eventually, I will end up exactly where I belong. And independent of what my mentors or anyone else thinks of me or my decisions, I am still a good scientist and a great person worthy of my own love. Because my worth is not tied to the opinions of those who write my letters.
If that sounds corny to you, I totally get it. But this mindset has been truly freeing. I still strive for greatness; I still want to maintain positive relationships with my colleagues--obviously. But I'm going about my career with far less stress and guilt.
Anyway, so it's 2020 I am finally ready to go on the job market. I've been training for the better part of a decade and can't wait to launch into a permanent career as a tenure-track professor. I've obtained my PhD at a fantastic institution with a great mentor, followed that up with a competitive postdoc fellowship at another fantastic institution. My publication record could be better but I'm doing interesting research, I've successfully been awarded a grant, and I've attended all kinds of cool trainings and networking opportunities.
Then the pandemic hits. Universities shut down; no one is hiring. This must be how grad students felt during the recession in 2008. I try to stay calm; maybe things will be better by Fall, when it's time to apply.
Well, we all know things did not get better by Fall 2020 but there were some openings for tenure track positions and I applied to them in earnest. I also spontaneously decided to write an application for an NSF postdoc fellowship--3 weeks before the deadline. Let's just say Fall 2020 was rough. I worked constantly. Had multiple all-nighters. But wrote my applications with excitement and passion and a firm belief in my competitiveness as an applicant.
Here we are now one semester later--Spring of 2021--and I still have no firm plans for what I'll be doing when my T32 contract expires in August. I'll save details of my experience on the job market for a separate post, but I'll summarize by saying I was the runner-up for a great position at a great institution, but unfortunately, the applicant of choice accepted their offer and the opportunity slipped through my fingers. I'm now applying to a host of non tenure-track positions, at the very least to keep myself employed for the coming year. I've also received word that my NSF application was scored as 'highly competitive,' which is exciting news. All in all, I have plenty of reasons to feel proud. But it's hard not to feel defeated and unmotivated when my wins are cushioned by so many losses.
Between now and summer, I'm planning to take things easy. My husband and I will take full advantage of the fact that we're vaccinated and start enjoying some of the things we used to do before the pandemic hit. I'm looking forward to seeing my family, taking little trips, and soaking up the beauty that is Spring in North Carolina.
I just want to express how much I appreciate you all following along on my journey. Oftentimes I feel insecure about this whole PhD and Me thing, but then I receive messages from people reminding me that what I have to say resonates with them and I'm reminded of why I started this thing in the first place: to build a community and connect with others; to be open and transparent about the ups and downs of academic life. Thanks for giving me a space to do that.
Be kind to yourselves -- and I look forward to writing again soon :)
- Natasha
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