Grad school growing pains

Maybe it's just me, but I needed someone to sit me down on the first day of graduate school and prepare me for the road ahead. Like:

Here's what to expect.

These are some ways to manage stress.

Here are some tips for managing all the demands of your program.

It's normal that you don't know how to do everything.

Learning to be an academic has been challenging. Sure, it's led to a lot of personal growth. But that path hasn't been easy. As a testament to that and in hopes of relating to others, I'm writing this post to share some of my personal

grad school growing pains.

For many of us, graduate school forced us to start our lives from scratch--meet new people, find a new place to live--all while going through a really intense program that challenges us both intellectually and emotionally. The coursework was a breeze for me. But the research--the self-directed project management, the high-level writing, and the daunting task of designing and implementing statistical analyses--that challenged me beyond measure. (It still challenges me.) I had always considered myself a diligent, self-motivated student. But suddenly I found myself disengaging from my work. Not because it wasn' t interesting. But because it was hard. It was really hard. And I wasn't sure I had the intellect to overcome the challenge.

Learning to manage the intellectual and emotional rigor of graduate school (and beyond) has been a long, uncomfortable road. It's forced me to come to term with my habits--time management, lifestyle, communication. It's also forced me to reflect on whether or not I really love what I'm doing.

I learned a lot about myself in graduate school. I also changed a lot.

I'm certainly smarter now. I'm a faster reader. A critical thinker. A better teacher. Throughout my first year of postdoc I've learned a lot about managing my time. I'm wiser and more mature. But I've also changed in ways that make me less proud.

~ I used to respond to emails immediately. Now I let them sit for days or forget them completely.

~ I used to enjoy challenges. Now I get so overwhelmed by difficult tasks that I avoid them.

~ I used to be quite composed. Now I am often sensitive and emotionally reactive.

~ I used to manage my time very wisely. Now I can barely manage my schedule or keep deadlines.

~ I used to be a meticulously healthy eater. Now I have no energy to invest in making healthy meals.

Frequently I hear my self saying, "I didn't used to be this way. This isn't me. "

It's been hard coming to terms with these changes. I haven't been the best version of myself in a long time and I'm eager to get back to 100%. But, as I conclude my first year of postdoc, I'm pleased to say I'm finally breaking free from the chaos of grad school. The growing pains continue, but I'm finally learning to navigate the crazy world of academia. And I'm slowly settling into the person I want to be--the person I know I can be.

I started graduate school an ambitious, naive, and "very good" student. But being a very good student only got me so far. I had no idea how to manage the demands of academic life, nor did I know how to take care of myself in the face of such high-level stress.

I thought I was taking care of myself because I exercised, visited family, worked reasonable hours, and took vacations. But all that was just doing things that made me happy. I wasn't really taking care of myself because I wasn't actually addressing the stressors in my life: the self-doubt, the intellectual challenges, the anxiety of constantly moving and never knowing what's next, the never-ending to-do list, the fact that academics are never really "off the clock".

So let me end this post with a final message to you all: I want you to know that graduate school is challenging for most of us. Beyond the intellectual and professional development, there is a whole lot of personal development. My advice to you is to make your health and happiness a priority. Indulge in your bubble baths or wild nights out, but don't forget to focus on YOU as a developing person. If you're feeling unhappy or stressed, identify exactly why you're feeling that way, and create a plan for addressing those issues. Lean on your fellow grad students or postdocs and get as much guidance and mentorship as possible from the faculty around you. You are worth it always.

If you have your own story about grad school growing pains, I'd love to hear it! Consider sharing with me on Instagram (@_womanmeetsacademia).

All my love,

Natasha