It's not you, it's me.
... or is it you?
G A S L I G H T I N G :
A form of psychological manipulation that creates doubt in a person's mind, making them question their own memory, perception of reality, or judgment. This form of manipulation often evokes confusion, psychological stress, and low self-esteem.
Many of us are socialized to take full ownership of our experience in life. You know, the whole, "You can't control what happens but you can control how you react to it" type of thing. This mindset is important for reminding us that we are in charge of our own happiness. But it seems like this philosophy gets taken too far in the academic space. Trainees are accountable to themselves but the responsibility of those training them is somehow relinquished. In spite of 'team science,' there is also an "every person for themselves" vibe and an expectation that ultimately we are responsible for our own education, training, and success. In my experience, there is less responsibility--or perhaps a better word is accountability--placed on the people and entities tasked with training us. So the burden of our experience falls on us. And if we're having a bad time, there's something wrong with us, not them. This, to me, is #academicgaslighting.
We are socialized to doubt ourselves constantly while taking our 'superiors' at their word. They define reality. Not us.
Even as I write these paragraphs I find myself questioning whether what I'm saying is true. Aren't I responsible for my own education, training, and success? Is it really anyone else's responsibility? Um, YES!!
Institutions are responsible for their students. Mentors are responsible for their mentees. People don't just show up to new environments or embrace new fields automatically knowing how to function. We can only know what to do if we're shown. Our success depends on the quality of our training and the quality of the environment in which we are trained. If we are bred to feel terrible and inadequate all the time, if we are constantly told that our truth is not reality, how are we supposed to thrive? So while we are of course responsible for our own success, I have trouble accepting the idea that nobody else is. The people tasked with mentoring us should be active participants in our training. Not just people who make themselves available to answer our questions at their convenience.
Listen, I get it. Faculty members are busy. They have too much on their plates. Academia is so demanding that mentors barely have time to do proper mentoring. This is a legitimate problem. The academic system needs a major overhaul. I'm sympathetic to that. At the same time, I don't think students and trainees should suffer the consequences. An honest, "I forgot what we decided to do because I'm overwhelmed" creates a much safer work environment than, "That's not what we decided. You're wrong." You feel me?
I've suffered the consequences of academic gaslighting for years. I perpetuated this narrative of myself as being 'not resilient'. I thought I didn't have the umph, fervor, or grit to thrive in the academic space. I thought I didn't have the right work ethic; that I wasn't smart, driven, or creative enough. I felt sad. A lot. And I blamed myself for my sadness. I legitimately thought something was wrong with me. Why? Because I was also perpetuating the narrative that I wasn't as successful as I should be in my career. But what defines success and who gets to define it for me? Does the concept of 'enough' even exist in academia? After 7 years of this madness it finally occurred to me: maybe the problem isn't with me but with the academic culture. From that epiphany came two more conclusions:
(1) Feeling chronically inadequate is exhausting and unhealthy. The academy no longer gets to control my narrative.
(2) The fact that there are many ways I can improve as a person and a scientist does not negate the fact that there are also flaws within the academic culture.
So here comes the somewhat unsatisfying truth which may seem like a contradiction to the statement I made at the top of this post:
We can't control what others do. Sure, we can slowly push for changes in the academy. But brooding and ruminating about the unfairness of the academic culture is not going to change anything. Indeed, it all once again falls upon our own shoulders to control our experience. But I want to encourage everyone to take ownership of this responsibility from a different vantage point: one of empowerment, rather than self-doubt; one where we stay in in control, but others do not. I want us to adopt the mindset that we don't have to be perfect to be worthy; that although we may make mistakes or be imperfect in our endeavors, the following truths can simultaneously be true:
Your advisors aren't always right.
You get to define what success means to you.
You don't have to get a tenure-track job.
You don't have to do things that don't excite you.
Sometimes the people you work with are straight up jerks.
You are a good and talented person and nobody's opinion of you can change that.
The feedback you get from others does not define your worth.
You are entitled to feel pride and joy even if other people are unhappy and dissatisfied with your or your work.
Let me repeat that one.
You are entitled to feel pride and joy even if other people are unhappy and dissatisfied with you or your work.
You don't have to work on evenings and weekends if you don't want to.
You can respectfully disagree with your superiors.
Other peoples' mistakes are not your mistakes.
These ideas might seem radical. That's because we've been bred to deny them as valid. Repeat these statements to yourself; add others that come to mind. Empower yourself to take control of your career in a way that suits you, not others. Allow yourself to feel joy and pride regardless of others' feedback. Remind yourself that other people make mistakes; that there is nothing wrong with you if you are unhappy or feel that someone has treated you unfairly. Sometimes, it's other people who are just straight up wrong.
There's a powerful difference between, "I'm not good enough to thrive in this environment" and "I'm unhappy because there's an unhealthy culture in my department".
There's a powerful difference between, "My mentor is funding me and letting me use their data so they're entitled to my intellectual property" and "My mentor took credit for my work and that's wrong."
I'm not going to pretend there is a clear answer to this problem. But I am here to validate your experience. Academic gaslighting happens. It sucks and it's wrong. But sometimes calling something like it is can be empowering enough to free ourselves from psychological torment. I'm not here to turn you against academia or encourage you to "tell off" your advisor. I'm here to be real. If we want to advance in the academy, we do have to play the game. We are also free to leave at any time. We can also definitely change the game, but we have to do it strategically. Until then, here's what I'm hoping you'll get out of this post:
(1) Your experience is valid.
(2) You get to choose how to navigate your career and how you feel about yourself.
(3) You are in control, no one controls you.
Thank you for indulging in my thoughts on academic gaslighting. Let this post sit with you for a little while, and then reach out to me if you come up with any thoughts or reactions. As always, I love hearing from you. In the meantime, I'm sending all my love!
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